Poker Book For Newbies

Today's Post Courtesy of Guest Blogger, Mr. Multi (translations and footnotes courtesy of your's truly):

Title: I Hate Poker
Subtitle: A Joyous Celebration of Losing at Poker, Again and Again

Prologue.
In which the author thanks his reader for purchasing the book, from whence he received a stipend larger than any poker earnings accumulated during the research on said tome.(a)

Chapter 1. Freedom Means Never Wearing Pants.
The author is introduced to online poker, and having never been invited back to a home game, is entranced by the minimal level of acceptable hygiene. (b)

Chapter 2. Cherry Popping Time.
Free games are for lovers, but playing for money makes the palms sweat when the author pays for the pleasure and the pain for the first time, and keeps coming back. (C)

Chapter 3. Pirates Ahoy.
Herein the author learns to identify the types of scurvy louts that inhabit the micro-stakes tables, and how to run screaming like a little girl when they board his chips. (d)

Chapter 4. Shaved Gerbils
Never underestimate the advice and support of a poker friend, as he teaches you concepts and maneuvers you've never imagined. (e)

Chapter 5. Kujo Bites, Anna Seduces.
The second best hand pays nothing, but a mad bitch sucks you dry. Resentful? No, the author continues to be dazzled by beauty, not brains. (f)

Chapter 6. Shiny, Shiny, Bright.
If it looks pretty, hit on it, or why the author never scored with the pretties. (g)

Chapter 7. Hit 'Em With Your Purse.
As the author learns how to bet properly, his bankroll dwindles. (h)

Chapter 8. You'll Earn It Back, Guaranteed.
The author buys Poker Tracker, on the misguided assumption that it's a useful part of the arsenal, and then exploring said arsenal with a lighted match. (i)

Chapter 9. When You're Thirsty, You're Dead.
Advanced poker statistics really only prove to you that you're stupid. (j)

Chapter 10. Psychotics are a Players Best Friend.
If the author doesn't want to play against bad players, who does he want to play against? Certainly not an opponent with one spade shy of a tool shed. (k)

Chapter 11. Diversify That Portfolio
Stock market crashes and poker bankrolls have similar performance when the author branches out from the familiar territory of limit hold-em. (l)

Chapter 12. Collusion Is Misspelled
The condition of collusion concerns the concept of containing the author's commitment of coordination co-location, or, why we all gather in a circle and shoot. (m)

Chapter 13. I Hate Poker
Can we embrace Zen and world peace by cheering million-dollar phenoms who dropped out of college to play the WPT circuit? And why am I still stuck in the micro-stakes after two years? I hate you, Tom Dwan. (n)

(a) I.e., a Positive Number.
(b) Online Poker At Home=You Don't Have Far To Go To Find A Cowering Dog
(c) Poker=Crack Cocaine Administered In High School (first taste is free; ALL subsequent tastes very costly.)
(d) Strategy For Dealing With Pirates: Uh, I'll Get Back To You On This When I Figure It Out

(e) Don't Ask.
(f) Kujo=KJ=Loser. Anna=Anna Kournakova=AK=Looks Beautiful But Rarely, If Ever, Wins=Loser
(g) Shiny, Shiny Bright Hand=Losing Hand That Looks Good; e.g., QJs, KTs, etc…, hell, AA, KK, etc. Through 72o Fits This Descriptions, Too.
(h) Purse Bet=Especially Wimpy Pulse Bet That Accomplishes Nothing, But Feels Good At The Time
(i) Poker Tracker=Expensive Hand Tracking Software; No One Knows What Its Data Means, But It Looks Cool
(j) The True Raison d'Etre of Poker Tracker: Software That Proves Mathematically That You Suck.
(k) Translation: Stupid Fishy Players Are Better Than You. Always.
(l) No Limit=No Limit To The Amount You Will Lose
(m) Collusion=The Way To Win=The Way To Have Your Bankroll Confiscated
(n) Tom Dwan: See Annette_15 No Look Tournament Win. And Weep.